My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I want to stick my p in your. b.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
