So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
