Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
