no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
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