What a fucking waste of an outfit
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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