He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
