Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
