Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he thought i was a dude.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
