The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize