What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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