So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
