btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
