Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
