I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
