please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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