I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
