I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
