Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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