dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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