Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
