so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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