Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
