Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
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