he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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