Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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