1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
