I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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