you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
