I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Do you remember whose house we're in?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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