just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
