Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
