my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
