i don't like sucking hair
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize