shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You are a genius and a whore.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
