just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
