Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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