i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
