I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize