i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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