dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
