Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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