I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
