I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
