I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize