By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
