So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
