WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Also, beer. Big fan.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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