My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
