I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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