Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
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