If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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