Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
