my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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