her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My balls are so social today.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
