Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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