Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
