He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
how does that bad decision feel?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
