I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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