thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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